Have you or a loved one faced a trauma so intense that you didn’t want to live? Do you know anyone dealing with depression or medicating themselves to relieve the emotional pain? This next story will inspire and give you hope.
Hi, I am Loretta. What you are about to read may sound like a movie. It is only by the grace of God I can share so freely now. For I use to be so tormented. So to some today, this may be a lot to take in. But I encourage you to read this either for yourself or so you can help someone who has faced extreme trauma.
I am being an open book for the purpose of helping other hurting people. I sense such a mandate, such a call to reach the broken.
Growing up, things seemed pretty normal in the daytime at our home. We had some good memories. Mom always took very good care of the house and cooked meals. I remember summers with a little swimming pool in our front yard. We had dog and some little bunnies. I remember mushroom hunting, & roasting marshmallows around a fire. I remember mom bringing us little surprises when she came back from grocery store.
But I also have memories of her drinking. I do not judge her. I believe with all my heart, she was a hurting person, and drinking was a way of escape. My guess is that it became an addiction. So please hear my heart today. I loved my mom. I didn’t really get to know her that much, for she would be taken out of my life at a young age.
In the evenings, mom would pick us up off the bus and go drink with grandma. It was back in the 70’s and the country bars allowed mom to take us kids in with her. So often instead of doing homework this was our way of life.
I still have vivid pictures even though I was little girl. Some scenes still play like a movie in my mind. On so many occasions, mom would drive home drunk, and there were many car accidents. When I was one my dad didn’t think I would be able to walk, he said I would drag my leg around. Multiple times my life was spared in those car wrecks.
One day, when I was around 6 years old, we went to see grandma. This day would be one of the first traumas I would see. For grandma had hemorrhaged, I saw the blood everywhere.
When I was eleven my parents divorced. We went to see mom every other weekend for visitation in another state.
By the time I was 15, mom was pulling on us to live with her. So that summer, that is what we did. But we didn’t know what was happening at that house. We didn’t realize mom had married an abusive man.
He had welded together prison bars and put them on the windows and doors and had been locking my mom in. He would disconnect the phone. When we came to live with mom, my step-dad put the prison bars in the basement. Mom would tell us he was hurting her. She would say he was raping her.
I remember four specific times mom packed everything she could fit in the car and us three kids and we would run away from him. We stayed with relatives, in hotels, and rented places to live. My memory still has vivid pictures of sleeping on the floor at times, having no money for school clothes and the time the food ran out. Over and over she kept going to back to him….
My whole world changed in one day……
Being 15 years old should be a happy time… But for me everything changed… We were sitting in the upstairs loft of our house. My mom and step-dad had an argument and my step-dad left for long period of time. When he returned he roughly said to my mom “I want to talk to you”….. They went into the bathroom to talk and mom started screaming “call the police, he’s got a gun” But we didn’t have time to call the police….
My step-dad began to shoot my mom in the heart. In a state of trauma, I was running down the hallway to save her life. I had no thought of my own life at that point. When I was pushing open the bathroom door, in the mirror, I watched as my step-dad shot himself in the head…. There were no other adults there to protect us that day. My step-dad could have shot me. I held my moms head up but I couldn’t save her… I heard my step dad breathing, but he would only live about 6 hours.
I would go back to live with my dad 3-1/2 hours away and go back to high school like nothing ever happened. I describe it like “burying it under a rug”. I had nightmares, thoughts of suicide, fear of the dark, and intense fear if looking men in the eyes.
I got married and I was trying to move forward the best I could…. but yet more tragedy…
I received a call that my sister, 23 years old had been in a car accident and they were life flighting her. They said she had no brain activity and told the family there was nothing they could do. I watched again as someone I love was taken out of my life.
If I couldn’t take one more thing, my daughter Ashley, who was around 5 years old, was diagnosed with epilepsy. My husband has an entire blog on her story, you can read about it HERE.
I literally felt like I snapped. Mentally and emotionally I couldn’t handle one more thing. The struggle was so real, I remember kneeling at the bed crying and telling my husband to pray for me or admit me in a mental hospital.
The depression had gotten so intense I slept as often as I could. I was on anti-depressants and would medicate myself with sleeping pills and cold medicine in the attempt to make the pain go away.
On the other side of this story is where the power of God touched my life and literally walked me through the healing process.
I was in a bed of depression crying out to God like I had done so many times before. But this time was different….
I heard God on the inside of me saying. “Loretta, I want to help you, but you have to get out of the bed“. The turning point in my life is when I chose to work with God and get out of the bed that day.
My next blog post will be dedicated on telling you HOW God completely changed my life. God began to teach me how to replace the depression. God has truly worked with me in the healing process. He has taught me how to forgive such a horrific crime, how to forgive my step-dad. For when I learned to release my step-dad and those that hurt me the most, I became free. You don’t want to miss my next blog post this coming Monday.
My prayer is by sharing my story others will receive the same hope, healing and grace that I have received. God IS the healer and restorer if we choose to allow Him to work in our lives.
This life is but a breath then gone. What we are doing right now is for eternity.
I’m currently working on my book that will tell the entire story. I was once so afraid of looking people in the eyes. Most of my life has been in hiding. But I have received the Fathers love and acceptance and look at things in a whole new light now. I have chose to work with God and he has been opening doors for me to speak and bring hope and healing to others.
Thank you for love and support and walking with me in this journey. For I am truly on a journey. I appreciate your prayers and everyone that has sowed into projects. You have been such a great encouragement to me. I love you all!
Proverbs 4:18 The path of the righteous is like the morning sun, shining ever brighter till the full light of day.
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